Abandon

So many times I feel.
I feel first and think later.
So many times
there is a grey area.
There is a question mark,
but this time
there is not.
Don’t get me wrong,
there was.
It wasn’t love at first sight.
That is a myth anyway.
I made an ass out of myself
and tried to sabotage
the relationship
in its genesis.
But fate was a friend
for once
and my antics
fell by the wayside.
Slowly, or so it felt,
my feelings exploded.
I fell in love.
But what felt like a lifetime,
was mere weeks
and my thoughts
overtook my feelings.
I started to ask myself
why?
Why I suddenly felt the way I did.
My answers were far fewer
than my feelings
and I let go.
I chose to believe my feelings
and ignore past protocols.
I accepted that I was in love
and I supported this thought
with my heart and my soul.
It is so very scary
to feel this way,
but I am old
and I am worn.
But I am wise
for the damage I’ve endured.
And I have earned the right
to love with abandon.
I have earned the right
to believe
that I have found
the woman.
The one woman
I will live the rest of my life with.

Perfect

It was so loud I couldn’t think.
I was looking at my second shot
of the night.
I don’t do shots.
I have three rules.
I don’t do shots.
I don’t do strip clubs
and I…
I never remember my third rule.
But here I was
tossing back my second shot
of Jack.
Luckily, Lone Star was close by
and sobered me up.
It was so loud I couldn’t focus.
The music was horrible.
The singers were terrible.
But I was having fun
because you were there.
And your eyes were radiant.
And your smile, beautiful.
And your laugh,
your laugh was my heart’s own.
I expected nothing from this night.
It was so loud I couldn’t breathe.
And then you leaned in,
your hand on my shoulder,
your breath on my neck.
And you said,
“I love you. I want to marry you.”
What little breath I had left me.
My mind raced.
All the things I could say.
“I feel the same.”
“I’ve wanted to hear that for so long.”
It was so quiet.
All I heard was your voice.
All I felt was your touch.
My breath came racing back
and I said,
“I love you. I want to marry you.”
You smiled and the room glowed.
You kissed me
and slowly the music came back.
The music roared.
The singers sang.
And it was perfect.
It was the night.
It was you and it was me
and it was perfect.

Caution

I could smell the danger.
It was everywhere.
Danger to the right of me,
Danger to the left,
but not a scent of remorse
or wisdom.
I threw caution to the wind,
but the wind was stronger
than I could imagine
and caution came flying back
at me.
She hit me hard
and knocked me to my knees.
She pushed me down
and rubbed my face in the street.
I tried to complain
with a mouthful of gravel.
She pinned my arms behind me
and rested her substantial weight
upon me.
She grabbed me by the short hair
on my head
and smacked my globe
against the road
not once,
but twice.
I struggled,
but she moved my arms
higher against my back.
The pain was excruciating.
I could hear her pant
from her own exertion.
She leaned in close
and whispered in my ear,
“You really should be more cautious.”
With that, she disappeared
and slowly I was able to rise.
I sniffed the wind
and smelled the danger ahead.
This time I turned and walked away,
living to fight another day.
Lesson learned.
Sometimes it’s better to embrace caution
than it is to throw her to the wind.

Already

Maybe, just maybe,
I’ve found someone.
Someone so right for me,
that it seems impossible to me.
Someone who speaks
the language I’ve only written,
I’ve only dreamed.
She says all the right things.
She seems to recognize me
and accept me,
even want me.
She reaches out to the many me’s
And pulls me in,
The one me that I believe in.
But this relationship is so young,
and what I feel, so old.
I must wait.
I’ve said the words so few times
In my life
and meant them, even less.
Now when I feel so much,
want to say so much,
I count the days
we are together,
and chart the course,
look to the date,
when I can finally say
I love you.
and she will believe it.
Even though I feel
she knows it already.

This Feeling

It’s been years,
So many years,
Since I felt this way.
I’ve dated women
But never felt
With them
What I do
Today
With you.
Why do I feel this way about you?
That’s a question
I can’t answer.
But I can describe the way I feel
With you.
Its amazing.
Its hopeful.
Its humbling.
I’ve fought love
For so long.
Tried to love
For so long.
And now
All of the sudden
Its here.
I feel love.
I feel the very beginnings
of the feeling
I’ve wanted to feel for so long.
I actually see a future
with us together,
where I saw none
with anyone before.
I’ve played at dating.
I’ve played at relationships,
but never sunk my heart
into any.
Why is It so easy now?
With you?
I don’t know.
I don’t care.
I just know how I feel
and I want to be with you
forever.