Exits

I am spent.
I’ve given so much
for so long
with no reward.
So many years behind me.
So few ahead.
And no anchor.
A soulmate?
I believed in such a thing
once.
I could tell you everything
I believed
once.
But I don’t believe
Anything
now.
I’ve forgotten so much more
than I remember.
I saw us together.
Until we weren’t.
I see nothing now
no matter how hard I look.
I am so tired now.
I have so little
To say.
So little to feel.
So little to offer.
But I’ve tried so hard
for so long.
And now I am so small,
a tiny bit of a
wandering giant.
Please make me believe
again
In all the things
I used to.
I sit in a quiet room now.
So many doors.
So little strength.
I sit
In the center of a room
with so many exits
and no strength
to approach
any.

Stronger

My life has changed.
Things I worked at
for so long
and forgot.
These things
that consumed me
and abandoned me
have returned
again.
I have a chance
to begin again.
I made mistakes before.
I trusted
where trust
wasn’t earned.
And that trust
collapsed.
I begin again
with a new trust
for new people
that I know
like I know myself.
I have a chance
to recreate a dream
I had.
Now I am the focus
of a dream
that others dream.
I have floundered.
I have wondered
If I could ever again
stand up
and move forward.
I make no apologies.
I have made mistakes,
but I have learned
from them
and I am stronger
because of them.

Peripherally

I can write about anything
and yet, I am writing about you
again.
My thoughts return to you
over and over again.
I know I had my chance
and I blew it.
My mind destroyed
our future.
Three years together,
two good years
and one so bad
we walked away.
365 days and more
where we were strangers.
But when I needed you
you were there
without an agenda.
You were there to help me.
And now.
Now.
I devote my life
to being there for you
whether you know it
or not.
I don’t want recognition.
I just want your life
to be better
than it ever could
when we were together.
A love so late in the game
Is no love at all.
But I am here
and I always will be.
I hope with all my heart
that your life
will always be better
one day to the next.
I love you
and I will always love you
peripherally.

You have changed

You have changed
since we parted ways.
Your natural beauty
I couldn’t see
has risen like a tidal wave
to overpower me.
It’s all I see.
But we’re friends
and I’m lucky we are.
The wake of my departure
almost drowned you.
Almost drowned me.
You are so strong now,
so sure of yourself.
I sit by your side
at a table full of people.
You engage,
charm
and win over these people
who’ve never met you.
These people who know me
and wonder
why I let you go.
I wonder myself.
I fell in love with you.
I fell out of love with you.
And here now,
at this table
I fall in love with you
all over again.
But I know how much
I hurt you.
How much
I changed you.
How little I deserve you.
You have always been the one woman
I loved.
The one woman
I asked to marry me.
Here.
Now.
I wish with every fiber
of my being
that things then
had been different.
You will always be the woman
I compare every other to.
I’m glad we’re friends.
I’m so lucky we’re friends.
I will never try for more
again.
But I will always be here
watching over you
and hoping
that life gives you more
than I ever could.

Slow down

Slow down.
Just slow down.
Trust me.
You are running
in the red
and you’re gonna
burn out.
I know.
I have.
Take the deepest breath
you’ve ever taken
and look at what you’re doing.
Does it have to be done
yesterday?
Cause that’s the way you’re acting.
Please,
for me,
take a breath
and slow down.
If the seconds that go by
are so painful,
let me hold you
and we will face them
together.

They don’t love you

They don’t love you
like I love you.
They can’t.
They won’t
love you
like I love you.
But you don’t know me.
You know them.
And you believe
they can.

Self fulfilling prophecies

You were never meant for me.
You belonged on the arms
of kings,
of business moguls,
of celebrities.
You were meant for better things
and better people
than me.
But you held me
and you kissed me
like I was a king,
like I was a business mogul,
like I was a celebrity.
Until you met one.
And my worst fears
became self fulfilling
prophecies.

I had a dream

Once you were gone
I had a dream
where I did everything right.
When your sister died
I drove you 600 miles
to be there
at her funeral
with you.
Instead of driving you
to the airport
and watching you drag your bag
across two lanes of traffic
through the cold sliding doors.
I brought your cell phone
to where you work
instead of pretending
I couldn’t find it.
I made love to you
everytime
you wanted it.
Everytime
you needed it.
Instead of saying
I was busy
or wasn’t in the mood.
I laughed at all your jokes
and listened to you
instead of reading my book
or watching my show.
I held your hand in public
and kissed you
when you least expected it.
Instead of walking
ahead of you.
I told you I loved you
and meant it
instead of staring at you
silently
when you said it.
I stopped you from leaving
by standing between you
and the door.
Instead of standing at the door
and watching you leave.
Once you were gone
I had a dream
where I did everything right
and you didn’t leave at all.

An empty room

I live too much of my life
in my head.
I stand before you.
I hear you.
You are angry.
You are scared.
You need to know
that I love you.
That I trust you.
You need to know
that I won’t leave you.
The words are there,
in my head
but cannot reach my lips.
My silence angers you.
You take every word
I do not say
to heart,
to a broken heart.
And you leave.
I stand there
In the deafening silence
and watch you leave.
I love you, I say.
I trust you, I say.
I would never leave you, I say.
but I say these things
to an empty room.

Give me strength

I wake in the morning
and sink to the floor,
clasping my hands.
God give me strength.
Jesus give me strength.
Grandpa give me strength.
I don’t care where it comes from,
I only know I need it now
more than ever.

Dry eyes for years

Dry eyes for years
are crying now.
I sit across the room
and watch myself
wracked with loss.
I’m dying
and I know it.
Hour by hour
the light diminishes.
The sun extinguishes.
Everything outside this room
disappears.
I’m alone
except for the part of me
that watches distantly.
I’ve known this time
would come
and I am not afraid.
But I watch myself
sink to the floor
and marvel at my despair.
All that I’ve lost til now
should prepare me
for death’s embrace.
But I fight
and I cry
and in the end
there is only me
to comfort myself
and hold me
as I move on.
Dry eyes for years
are crying for my losses
but I am not lost.
I am moving on
and I am not alone.
I am a comfort
to myself.

Why is fear a part of love?

The fear of finding it.
The fear of losing it
And never finding it again.
They say that birds and wolves
Mate for life.
Why can’t humans?
We are so afraid of ourselves
And things we can’t show others
That we end up offering so little
Of ourselves
Just when we need
To offer the most.
Like a bird I fly,
I soar far away from myself
And like a wolf I smell the air
And creep back slowly.
Perhaps fear is a part of love
To make it stronger.
I don’t know.
I only feel the fear.

I know what love is

I know what love is
And I have searched for it
All my life.
I have found it for minutes,
For days,
For weeks and months,
But never for life.
I know what love is
And I have seen it
in the faces of others.
But not everyone can be president.
Not everyone can be an astronaut.
Not everyone can be loved.
For as much as I look for it
And see it in held hands
And soft kisses.
I cannot receive it
For the forever
It promises.

Love and chaos

When I was born
I was a silver winged
Champion for love.
I loved my mother
So intently
That she was shaken.
For love is chaos
And I was also
An agent of chaos.
She tried to love me
For five years,
But I scared her
And she was too young
To understand.
She put me in a home
For troubled boys
And forgot me.
For two years I was lost
With no one to love.
I embraced chaos
And made a name for myself
through my disregard
of others.
When every home in California
Was exhausted
I was sent to Texas.
For correction.
I learned very quickly
To be invisible.
I struck silently
And often.
As the older angrier boys
Were struck down,
Eyes turned to me,
But never settled.
Still I was shipped
From home to home
And lost even a sense of myself.
After two long years
A young couple picked me out
And took me home.
It took years, but I reached down
And found the love
I was born with.
The chaos was there as well,
But I masked it
With a smile.
I still wear the same smile
And I still carry the chaos.

The longest love

It’s just a guess but I think
We all have someone in our past
That we loved
And wanted very much
To feel their love.
But it didn’t happen
For a myriad of reasons.
Love is so simple
And selfish.
We mostly only see it
Through our own eyes.
If it’s not reciprocated,
Does it disappear?
No.
We feel it as long as we do.
The only Unlove potion
Is time.
The first and truest love
I felt
Lasted 20 years.
Absence drives the heart
Insane
And I saw her so little
Across so many years
That I could never give up
The love
Or the hope
That I might feel hers.
But when I saw her again
For the first time in 20 years,
She was so different
I lost every feeling
I had for her
And saw a stranger.
So discouraging
To have sunk so much
Of my heart
For so long
Into someone
Who didn’t want it.
Now I began to wonder
If I am too old for love.
I don’t have the energy
Or the dedication
I had when I was younger.
Then I was a romantic.
Now I’m a realist
And romance
Has become a fantasy.

A bad reason to die

I woke up this morning laughing.
I probably killed a man last night
but he deserved to die.
I had no idea how I slighted him.
I only know he appeared
Next to me in the parking lot
With a tire iron.
The bar had been crowded
And loud.
I didn’t recognize him,
But I reacted when I saw him.
I blocked his arm
And punched him in the throat.
I picked up the tire iron
And held it to his face.
I asked him why he had attacked me,
But he couldn’t speak.
I knelt and waited patiently
For his answer.
Finally he choked out
That I had bumped him in the bar
And made him spill his drink.
I laughed and said what a silly reason
To die.
I spun the tire iron in my hand
And struck him across the forehead.
When he was unconscious,
I pulled him closer to the Jeep
And settled his head behind
My left front tire.
I hopped into the Jeep
And mused through my Ipod
For just the right death song.
I settled on Eulogy by Tool
And backed up over his head.
He might have survived,
But I doubt it.

Killing

No one is going to take me alive.
If they come for me
They better be ready for a fight.
I have no qualms
Over killing.
I’ve done it before
And I can do it again.
I’ve gotten better at it
Over the years.
I can disappear.
I’ve done so for years
At a time.
But if they do corner me
I hope they’re prepared.
Killing is never as fun
If its easy.

Love itself

It was so easy to fall in love
When I was young.
I was such a romantic,
Ahead of my time,
But just in time
For the pain of loss.
Each failed relationship
Weighed heavily on the next.
I tried a little less
Each time
And failed more grandly.
Love is never equal.
Ever.
And too often
When she was in love,
I was not.
There was never parity.
And now I’m afraid
To fall in love.
I entertain the idea
Of never being in love.
It hurts,
But maybe not so much
As love itself.

The lottery

When I win the lottery
It’ll be a big one,
300 million or more.
I’m going to start three organizations.
The Gronlund Trust,
The Brooks Wellman Foundation,
And the Dan Guarda Fund.
The Gronlund Trust
Will be the biggest
And it will help artists
Pay their bills,
Launch their studios,
And create their art.
It will help community colleges
Set up art programs
And hire the best instructors
From around the world.
It’s named after my grandfather
And every work of art
It sponsors
Will remind me of him.
He created a community college
Out of nothing
In his small town
In Illinois.
The Brooks Wellman Foundation
Will help those with AIDS
And their families.
It is named after
Michael Brooks
And Jeff Wellman,
Two men I only truly appreciated
Once they were gone.
The Dan Guarda Fund
Will help anyone with a mental illness.
Help them afford a place to live,
Help them afford their meds,
Help them afford a doctor.
Dan and I had the same illness.
I’ve lived with it for 20 years.
Dan lived with it for one.
And then he killed himself.
We will save hundreds
Right here in Houston
In his name.
When I win the lottery
It’ll be a big one,
300 million or more.
And after I start these three organizations
I don’t care if there’s even a penny
Left for me.

Start flying

I had a dream last night.
I was running as fast as I could.
I wasn’t sure if I was chasing someone
Or being chased.
I ran so fast
I began to fly
But I recognized nothing
I was flying over.
And I still felt
That someone might be flying
Behind me.
Trying to catch me.
I reached the end
Of a peninsula
And dove into the ocean.
I swam as deep and far
As I could.
When I stopped to look behind,
I was alone.
Miles beneath the ocean.
And the dream changed
As dreams do.
I was lost in a huge house,
Running from room to room,
Still not sure if I was chasing
Or being chased.
I ran up a glass stairway,
Every step breaking
Behind me.
I reached the second floor
And turned around to watch
The first break into a million pieces.
I found a small chest
And opened it.
There was one ragged
Piece of paper.
It read, stop running.
Start flying
And never stop.

So angry

Why am I so angry?
Is it my life?
Choices I’ve made?
Decisions I’ve reached?
Or is it my inability
To make the next choice?
To reach the next decision?
How have I become so comfortable
With so little to show
For my steps through this life?
Why do I blame so many things
On so many people
Besides myself?
I’ve coasted through life
And I have no respect
For those who coast.
I have no respect
For myself.
Why am I so afraid
Of change?
Of changing my life?
Could my next step possibly be
So much worse than my last?
I am so angry
Because I cannot
take the next step.

My beer bump

I’ve got a beer bump.
Not a beer belly,
but its predecessor.
I haven’t been chubby
since I was ten.
I leaned down
and bulked up
through high school,
playing every sport
I could.
I looked great In college,
working out every day
or at least every other.
It’s hard to workout
when you’re hungover,
but my metabolism
was my saving grace.
Now I’m 40
and my metabolism
has retired,
working half days
and taking weekends
and holidays off.
I’m running every day
in the morning
when the heat
is more forgiving.
My beer bump
is disappearing day by day.
One of these days,
I’ll find my abs again.

The circus

When the circus is in town
I want to invite you
to go with me.
What started out as a joke
could become a way to woo you.
To win you.
When the clowns come out
of their tiny little car
and run around the ring
with a bucket.
They soak the ringmaster,
grab another bucket,
and run toward us.
We yell and duck
as shiny silver bits of confetti
cover us.
We laugh and I brush the tiny sparkles
from your face
and kiss you
without ever realizing
we are on the Jumbotron
and 30,000 people
have witnessed our first kiss.
You laugh and lean behind me,
avoiding the cameras.
I wave and smile.
We settle back in our seats
as the flying acrobats
dance across the air above us.
You hold your hand up,
watching the flips and twists
through a crack in your fingers.
I laugh and pull your hand down,
holding it in mine
until the aerial choreography closes.
And then four motorcycles
race around the ring
and meet at the entrance
of a huge metal globe.
They enter one after another
and race around the sides,
moving higher and higher
up the sides of the globe
until they are looping the structure
with perfect timing,
never touching,
but so uncomfortably close.
You pull your hand back
and cover your face again.
I smile and chide you,
but sweetly, poking you
every now and then
to get a laugh.
When the motorcycles leave,
the cage is rolled away
and the ring is empty.
We watch as a parade of horses,
elephants, and clowns
close the show.
We get back to my Jeep
and I walk around to open your door.
You lean in and give me a quick kiss.
Thank you, you say as you close the door.
We laugh and talk about our
favorite parts of the circus
as I drive you back to your car.

walking away

I think we’re making a mistake
by walking away
before we’ve even met.
We were so close.
It came down to the day
and you changed your mind.
I understand.
We don’t really know each other
and whomever you knew before
may have hurt you.
Hearts are delicate things
and oft hard to heal.
Time is that precious resource
that heals hearts, minds, and souls.
I hope in time
your heart is whole
and you think of me again.

I wish you had said maybe.
Or even maybe later.
But you said no.
And no is much harder
To work with.

Hope

Hope and I had lost touch.
We were friends once
and spent time together
appreciating the little things.
But one day she was just gone
without so much as a warning
or a goodbye.
I missed her at first,
but long days grow into
long months and years.
Soon enough I forgot her
altogether.
My life went on
and I filled my days
with things and people.
Until one day I met a woman,
so special and rare
that hope returned.
She just walked in,
sat down, and asked me
about this woman.
I smiled.
I laughed.
I hugged hope
and said, no.
You tell me about her.

excitement

I love to be excited.
It’s the part of being
a kid that never leaves us.
When I am excited about
something that will happen
or even might happen,
I’m excited all day
every day until it happens
or doesn’t.
Some folks are different.
When they know something
is going to happen
they don’t get excited.
They go through each day
every day assuming
it won’t happen.
That way they aren’t as sad
when it doesn’t happen
but only mildly excited
when it does.
I don’t understand
some folks.
I’d rather be excited
as long as I can.