The rain

Today was a test
That began yesterday.
I’ve been me for weeks,
Until yesterday.
I woke hard and slowly.
I sat on the bed
Disoriented.
I looked at the clock
It was hours beyond
My hopes.
I scurried.
No time for shower.
I wetted my hair in the sink.
And brushed my teeth.
I spit and looked at myself.
Not the same self
I had seen the day before.
I contemplated contacts
And back peddled
To glasses.
Still they fit poorly
And my view was skewed.
I didn’t make my bed.
Didn’t have time.
And the chaos
Disturbed me.
I opened the front door
And saw the rain.
I lost my momentum
And closed the door.
For some reason
I couldn’t quite grasp
I was trapped.
I didn’t want to stay.
I couldn’t leave.
I sat on the floor
And hugged my dog.
I think I might have cried,
But its been so long
I don’t know what tears are
Anymore.
I called in sick to work
For I was surely sick
Yet I couldn’t detect
My ailment.
I moved to the couch
And laid down.
Hoping more sleep
Would cure my ills.
But I couldn’t sleep.
I listened to the rain
And the storm of my thoughts.
I rose and paced the house.
No room gave me comfort.
I wasn’t hungry.
I wasn’t tired.
I was just not myself.
I sat against the back door
Listening to the rain.
I tried to pull one thought
From my mind
And address it.
But several others
Rode shotgun
And I banged my head against the door
To filter them out.
Then the strongest
And most vehement
Fought to the surface.
I wasn’t good enough.
For what?
For anything.
I tried again to cry
But I have lost the art.
And am left with the medium.
I moved from the door
And back to the couch.
This time I sat
And listened to the rain.
I wasn’t good enough.
But for what?
For my job?
No, I know what I can do.
For my friends?
No, I know I am there for them.
For my family?
No, I know I love them
And am there for them as well.
For my relationship?
No, I am kind and I am thoughtful.
I am a stanchion for my love.
For myself?
Perhaps.
I don’t believe in myself today.
The truth hits home
And the rain hits the lawn.
I doubt myself today.
And it affects my yesterdays
and my tomorrows.
Finally I cry
In synch with the rain
That falls on my life.