Searching

I’m trying to remember
The last good year I had.
It’s not this one.
Even last year
Is hazy with pain and loss.
Two years ago
Brought madness that
Started the year before.
Perhaps three years ago
Was a good year.
I fell in love
And proposed
And the future looked so good.
But the madness
Was festering.
Four years ago
I met a woman
Who moved me
And business was good.
But there were cracks
Even then.
Pieces of my life that
set in motion
the loss of love.
And the taint
That bloomed
Into destruction.
Five years ago
I was cocky.
Business was good
And friends were ubiquitous.
Women were plentiful
And I was not selective.
No relationship lasted
Til the light of day.
But I was sane
Or so I remember
And money was easy.
Still I limped through
Parts of my life
And found no solace
In being alone.
I drank too much
And smoked too much
And spent my time in bars.
never in the arms
Of a woman who loved me.
Six years ago
Business was good.
And I traveled.
I visited the places
I had only seen on postcards.
Friends were fewer
But friendships, stronger.
I lost a person close to me
And that loss
Painted the year
A dark color
That I rarely saw through.
I was moody
And had flashes of the madness
Yet to come.
I had a friend
Sit me down
And ask me hard questions
That I answered carelessly.
I didn’t like myself.
Seven years ago
I started a business
And struggled every day
To make it work.
I relied on one person
Who betrayed me
During the madness to come.
We became fast friends
And I spent my time with him
Or alone.
I didn’t write then
Or read very much.
Women were plentiful
And easy.
I had no anchor in my life.
I tried to kill myself
For the third time
And woke alive
And alone.
Eight years ago
I worked for a company
That was young and inspired.
I made so many friends
That I have lost since then.
I enjoyed my work
And I was good at what I did.
I had a roommate
And he was a friend
He worried about me
And my drinking
And drugging.
We talked less and less
As I ventured down
Darker and darker alleys.
I pushed the night through
To the dawn
So many nights
And never thought
About the noise
And smells that travelled
Back to my roommate.
I was wrapped in the cocoon
Of my own life.
Nine years ago
I worked at the same company
With the same friends
and I met my roommate.
We were so similar
For so long
Before he began to grow older.
I lost a friend that year too
Only I celebrated his death
By living my life
As hard as I could.
I drank
Every night
And I experimented
With drugs
Whose names
I don’t even remember.
I began to explore
The bars and clubs
I could reach in moments.
I walked home many times
And stumbled home many more.
The people beginning to know me
Liked me
The ones who knew me wondered.
I bought a jeep and a dog
Both became the loves
Of my confused life.
And I have both still.
Ten years ago
I barely remember
But I worked for a different company
And I was good at what I did
But bored
I dated an artist
And appreciated her
Many years later.
I could almost see myself
Through her eyes
And they were much more forgiving
Than mine.
I lived in a small apartment
In a complex
With many interesting people
And seemed interesting
Myself.
I drank every night
And walked to bars
That were close to me
Where they knew me
And would continue to serve me
When they would have stopped
Any other patron.
I wrote some back then
And I read the poems now.
They make me sad
They were all so final.
I don’t remember
Eleven years ago.
I know I lost a friend even then
And my response was mixed
I cried some nights
And yelled at the blank walls
Of my apartment.
I don’t think I was happy.
And the fact that I can relate
Eleven years of my life
Without a sign of happiness
Makes me very sad
And desperate.
I wonder what it will take
This year,
To be happy.